the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
