I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize