k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
