i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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