sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Randomize
