Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Barsexuality is the new black.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize