Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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