I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
