but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Randomize
