She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Randomize
