I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
