She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
