I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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