there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
