WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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