I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
