uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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