You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
