That's when you crack a 10am beer
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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