I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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