well I can't set my house on fire every night
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You brought string cheese to the strip club
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
