You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
