Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
We named our party play list daddy issues
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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