I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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