My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
