Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
