Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize