i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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