Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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