whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Are my feet made of real feet?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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