Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize