Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
