the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
