and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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