you're like a bully in the Christmas story
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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