Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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