i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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