I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Welp...herpes.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Oh god it's open bar.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
