like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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