if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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