i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
