I bet he comes in French.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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