oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize