My first STD was from a foam party
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
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