cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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