Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
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