how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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