My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
