Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
