the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
