do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
