two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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