Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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