my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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