Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I puked a lego.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize