he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
