Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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