just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize