Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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