I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
