i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
