I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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