is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
As shirtless as possible
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
