and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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