I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
