I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
two words...techno handjob
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize