she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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