I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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