If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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