shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
