capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
