I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
