Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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