Heybabeimwearingurpanties
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
