Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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