apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
