I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
